First of all, I believe in signs.
Like those crop circles or something. Yeah, signs are awesome. No, actually, I believe that there are no coincidences in life. When I was plunged into a really bad depression five years ago, I believe it was on purpose. I believe it was a chance to fix my life, and I believe that I somehow found my purpose after becoming an anime reviewer. I thank my rock bottom moment in life because I was able to stand up a better person thanks to it. Becoming TPAB wasn’t an accident. I believe it was planned from the very beginning.
Anyways, when your daily views plummet and your computer suddenly dies on you after such a long time, I believe I received another big sign as well. It coincides with my decision to go back to school and pursue a career in teaching, so things aligned for the better. So, that’s kinda the big reason why I’ve been inactive for a long time. I lost my motivation when wordpress screwed me, and the computer I use to review anime is actually broken. I do not have the money to fix it, and my other laptop is a sh*tty piece of junk that is really hard to use. The keyboard is absolutely busted, and the arrow keys are just forever pressed so I constantly have to battle it when moving the mouse cursor. It’s not worth the effort. I decided to just stop… for now.
Don’t get me wrong. I owe my life to TPAB, so there’s no way in hell I’m stopping. The timing of all these crop circles just felt right, so I decided to just run with it. I still plan on pursuing my one thousand goal, but I am focused on other things for now.
Let me just be completely honest though. I know for a fact that I have a career as an internet writer. Locally, there are many jobs for me and the horizon certainly opened up when I had a chance to write for MAL. It did worry me though, because pursuing a career being a writer on the internet feels unsatisfying for me.
It’s also unhealthy, because it requires not leaving my house forever. TPAB consumed a lot of my time, and it just confined me in my house. It gave me purpose, sure, but I don’t think this route is the one for me. I want something more in life. After five years of feeling like such a loser, I feel like I deserve more than the path TPAB provided me. Sure, I worked hard to create this path, but I really want more in life. I’m so used to running away, because I am a weak person. During my rock bottom life, I cut ties with people in my life and I just ruined everything that made my life whole. Gaining massive amount of weight, feeling disgusted with yourself and just lying in bed for five f*cking years, I feel like I should get back the years I’ve wasted.
Right now, I plan on pursuing a career becoming a teacher. I have to thank TPAB for this as well. I’ve become an observant and studious academic because of my time reviewing anime. I realized that anything can be learned and anything can be taught, so I decided to go for it. I’ve done small time teachings caring for special needs kids, and I think I can pursue a full career doing that. I don’t plan to just stop in SPED though, because the thrill of teaching in a classroom full of YOLO bastards listening to your words is very exhilarating as well. I am shy as f*ck, but I now plan to teach in front of a lot of kids and make sure these guys don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made. In order to achieve this goal, I need to pass this licensure exam for teachers. It requires answering 450 questions about education, and I need to prepare for it. This past June, I enrolled back in school to gain requirements to take the exam. This December till March, I am now preparing for the real thing. It’s going to be a stressful time for me so I hope you guys understand that I just can’t commit to this site for now.
As I look back, I really feel proud how far I’ve gone. In fact, I am not just planning to pursue a career but I am also trying to plunge into the dating scene. I kid you not, anime is the only reference I have when it comes to dating. Back in June, I met this really awesome girl and I really wanted to ask her out. I confessed that I liked her, but this went south suddenly. She started avoiding me, and we’ve been awkward ever since. Don’t get me wrong, I never expected much. In fact, I wanted to get rejected so I can learn from it. As I said, TPAB gave me skills to observe and to learn so I wanted to learn how to ask girls out as well. With the girl I liked, I really just wanted to confess to her since I am such a shy guy. I did that, and then I panicked afterwards. She gave me a “I can’t really give you an answer right now and I hope you respect that” response, and I freaked out. It wasn’t a yes or a no. It was a soft maybe, and I was just caught off guard. Looking back on it, as an observer, I realized the girl did like me back and she just wanted me to take the lead. She wanted me to approach her in class, and she wanted me to basically start the courting process in the classroom…in such a social area. I don’t know how, and I just shriveled up into a miserable guy.
I wanted her to reject me. I never expected her to actually give me clearance to go for it. Anime lied to me. Dating is such a social game, and no amount of advice from other people can prepare you from it. The girl was waiting for a reason to like me back, and I never gave her one. I suck. I didn’t know where she was coming from, and no amount of observation can help you. I realized that dating is all about taking risks and showing other people how much you care for them. It’s easier said than done though. I really just wanted to talk to her, and I even explained that to her. I love talking to her, and days just seem dull when I don’t hear her voice. When she started avoiding me, I was devastated. I realized I just really really suck. F*cking shoot me. I never had the courage to talk to her afterwards as well, and it’s a frustrating experience. It’s one that I absolutely love experiencing though. Meeting people that share your interests is a fun experience, but I really need to work on it.
Right now, I am trying to befriend this really quiet girl. She rarely speaks, and she rarely moves in class so I just spend a lot of time asking her random questions. She’s cute when she’s talking. She recently opened up, and I learned the girl is a freaking Mormon. I visited their church just this past week, and then I met her family. I shriveled back into the shy guy I am. I don’t know how to talk to the family of the girl that I like, especially on such a weird setup. I kept trying to withhold my fascination of her, and I really just f*cking wanted the day to end. I feel like she has opened up to me after that, but dear gawd, our point of interest is the fact that she is a hardcore Mormon. No offense to my readers who are Mormons as well, but they take their worship seriously. In my visit to their church, they hammered the fact that I am going to hell for being a filthy Christian and these wonderful Mormon people are going to heaven because “they have a relationship with God”.
I feel like I sinned though, because I was with this cute girl throughout the day and I just wanted to hug her. She wore this blue floral Sunday dress, and I was just mesmerized all day long. She also gives me glances where she would smile when our eyes meet, and I am just going insane. Can you date a Mormon? Should you date such a hardcore religious person? The way she looks at me though, it’s really just killing me inside. I like her, and I would settle for the friendzone with her. So yeah, I’ve been busy doing that as well.
I am working hard to befriend this quiet hardcore religious girl. I’ve even started reading the bible. I’m at that story after the dude went up to heaven. Now, I am a cynical guy and I believe the term for my spiritual belief is “agnostic”, so I’m not really that up in religion. I believe in God though, and I feel like he’s making fun of me by introducing me to this awesome girl that happens to be in a serious relationship with him. While reading this bible, I also feel like the man upstairs is a troll. How did so many religion sprout out of just one holy book? Why did He allow this to happen? I do understand the purpose of religion though. When faced with the existential question of why we exist, most people cling to “worshipping God” as their answer. It’s all good. I’ll also be candid that I did hate God back when I was in depression. I was seriously yelling at him and filling my prayers with curses back then. Meeting a girl, who suddenly gives you a bible after feigning interest in religion, is a good enough sign for me to reconnect with the bearded dude up in the clouds (Santa?). If I need to have a relationship with God as well, just so I can get closer to this girl I’ve been dying to put cat ears on her head, then I’ll do that.
So as you can see, I’ve been very busy. Life has been interesting and scary with all these new experiences. Please understand that I’ll be very busy moving forward.
I might crank out a few reviews now and then, but I might not be as active in 2017 as well since I’ll be looking for a job after I hopefully pass my licensure exam. Once I settle down though, then I’ll be sure to continue TPAB’s journey.
Lastly, thank you for the support. People miss me? Aww. When I saw my followers in my FB page grew, then I also took that as a sign that I really can’t leave TPAB behind. When people started commenting asking for reviews, then it really warms my heart. Thank you. Seriously, it means a lot to me. I miss reviewing as well, like you wouldn’t believe, but I really just have a lot on my plate right now.
Anyways, apologies for the delay. Thank you for understanding. 🙂